Remember why you started

I went to my first yoga class in a long time last week. I had pulled a muscle in my back a while ago pottering about the house, and since then found every excuse not to practice. "I don't have time" (reality: I am not making time), "I'm worried about my back" (reality: yoga is only going to be good for my back if I take it easy), "I'm not in the right mood to go" (reality: not going is part of the reason I'm in that mood)

Ahhh...I'm a yoga teacher! Is it bad I am admitting that I haven't been practising, or wanting to practice? Does it make me a crap teacher? Or does it just make me a human; having highs and lows and sometimes wallowing in the lows, even though I know how to pull myself up, doesn't mean I always want to.

I'm being 'still' I told myself, I'm allowing this wallowing, I am FINE. So what if I'm a bit tetchy, short tempered, a little anxious. But when does stillness become stuckness?

Yoga, therapy and coaching all hold up a mirror to our inner selves, our thoughts and feelings. This can be enlightening, amazing, joyful, all the good stuff.  It can also be frightening, revealing and uncomfortable. Last month I didn't want to look in the mirror, inside me. I instead chose to ignore it and started feeling more anxious, got less sleep, and generally started to feel a bit “meh”.

Then last week when I was away I met a teacher called Maria. She had a Jack Russell too and a big smile. She was friendly and warm, she hugged me when I turned up to the class, late and reluctant. The yoga was slow, and it was hard as I felt weak and stiff. But as I breathed and moved and shaked and laughed and fell over I felt better. I felt more like myself.

Maria, with your slow hatha flows, singing bowl, lavender eye pillows and classes half in English, half in Portuguese, you inspired me. Turns out sometimes, we do need an external catalyst to un-stick us, to move us forwards. I went back to the class the next day, and the next, and the next, until I had to fly home.

And, just like that, I remembered why I started.